...Sometimes you feel so bad, you want to die. The pain is so great, your feelings of self-loathing so strong, the fear so intense, that you really don't want to live. These are your authentic feelings and it is important not to deny them. It is also essential not to act on them. It's okay to feel as devastated as yuou feel. It is just not okay to hurt yourself.
We have lost far too many people already. Far too many people - both adults and children - have lacked adequate support and, out of despair, have killed themselves. We can't afford to lose more. We can't afford to lose you. You deserve to live.
....When you feel so bad that you want to die, there's anger inside that you need to refocus towart the person or people who hurt you so badly... As you get in touch with that anger, your self-hatred will dissipate. You will want to sustain your life, not destroy it.
All this takes time. In the meantime, don't kill youself. Get help. If the first help isn't helpful, get other help. Don't give up. When you feel bad enought to want to die, it's hard to imagine that you could ever feel anything other way. But you can. And will. ...
Make an agreement to call a counselor or a friend if you feel you can't control your actions. Call your local suicide prevention hotline. Ask a friend to help you find a counselor. (Get these numbers ready before you need them.)
...(It is good to remember that these) feelings will pass. You may think the feelings will consume you, will be absolutely unbearable. But you can learn to wait them out. It's like a difficult childbirth. The laboring woman thinks she can't handle another contraction, but she does. And then it passes.
Each time you are able to bear the pain of your feelings without hurting yourself, each time you are able to keep safe, to reach out for help, to befriend yourself through the anguish, you have built up a little more of the warrior spirit. you have fought the brainwashing of the abusers and won the battle. You have not let them destroy you.