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may

To all my dear friends and allies in healing.

ok, so this is a form letter (gasp), wirtten with the intention to tell you things about me that are way to scary to tell you all individually. as you know, i am an incest and torture survivor, which means a lot of things but what it means right now is that i am in crisis and connot take care of myself alone right now. okay wait . so i think, i'm basically sure that i have multiple personalities, and other types of disorders caused by my abuse, like panic attacks, deep depression and despair, and difficulty trusting that people's basic desires are not to hurt me.

i'm having a hard time writing this, thinking about who's going to read it and what you're going to think about all this and there are things i want to tell you that are really hard for me to say, like lately i have been really suicidal, i have been trying to keep people around me at all times so i won't hurt myself but it's something i have struggled with for as long as i can remember. and another thing is that i haven't been able to control when i'm in my body and when i am not, so a coulple of times recently i have caught myself waling into traffic while coming out of trance-like state. it is really scary! there are a lot of other things going on in my head, but what it basically comes down to is that i am definitely out of control and i need you to make a special effort to reach out to me and lend support. it feels to me like it's a matter of life and death.

if it seems lke i've been really withdrawn or different lately, this is the reason why. other times in my life when I have felt out of control or in deep despair i didn't yet have the courage to enlist other's help in getting out of it in such a direct way, but i'm getting stronger all the time and definitely won't let my past destroy my present and future!

something else you need to know is that i don't believe in the mental health system for myself at all, i don't trust it and i refuse to have anything to do with professional head doctors, so what i'm relying on right now is the involvement i have with a grassroots counseling communithy, and my friends.

here's what i need from you

let me know what you can and cannot do. it's important that nobody tries to be a knight in shining armor and realizes halfway thought that they've taken on more than they can handle.

reach out to me. call me just to say hi, come over, send me a nice note or postcard, or an article you find inspiring.

don't expect immediate results. i have been dealing with this shit for a long time and climbing out of this despair is going to be really difficult for me. just because i have written this letter doesn't mean that i'm going to start returning your phone calls right away, but it does mean that i want to get out of this.

accentuate the positive. remind me of all the reasons why the world is an essentially loving and safe place for me to live. and last but not least, just love me with all your heart just the way i am.